Skip to: Site menu | Main content

Feeling weepy

2007-04-09

I rarely watch TV during the day.  I actually don't enjoy having the television on at all and really only watch when I'm tired and need something to put me to sleep.  That doesn't mean I don't watch it other times, I do but, most of the time it's because someone else is watching and it's either watch it or leave the room.

But, more to the point.  I turned the television on today and watched The people's court.  Long story short, there was a lady sueing because her scooter seat had been ripped in a wheelchair lift.  I knew immediately she had MS.  I just knew.  I knew before she said she had MS.  Other than the scooter she looked "normal" as a matter of fact, she was attractive.

I've had MS long enough to have heard all the worst scenarios and have experienced some of the scarier symptoms myself.  I've spent the weekend with folks who use wheelchairs, scooters, canes and forearm crutches, due to disabling MS.  The only time I've ever been bothered by it was right after my diagnosis.  I was at the mall and saw one my former school mate's Mother in a scooter and I recalled that she had been dx'd with MS several years prior.  I teared up but, hid my emotions, as I was with my children.  The diagnosis was new to them too and they were scared as well and quite young at the time.

I've grown accustom to seeing people with MS wheelchair bound and it really hasn't been a fear for me for quite sometime.  I don't want to become disabled to the point of having to use a wheelchair and I'm sure that goes without saying but, if I ever do, I can live with that.  I would be fine and I would make the most of it.

Today for some reason though, seeing this vibrant woman bound to that scooter bothered me!  I hated the way the judge and the defendent walked behind her to examine the chair.  Naturally in doing so, the lady with MS had her back to them.  It was like she was an object, like she had been removed from the situation.  She was reduced to being part of the chair she was using as her legs.  I hated that she said, and I know it's true, "I have MS and stress exacerbates my illness" Who among us leads a stress free life?  I hate it that I have a monster inside me that I have no control over.  This monster can turn on me at any given moment.  I could wake up tomorrow and not be able to see, pee, walk or numerous other unpleasant things but, none of us have any guarantees, do we?

I've known this all along.  I don't dwell on it, although I do thank the Lord that I am as capable and healthy as I am and I do this often.  This is really the only time I really speak about my illness and this is between myself and God.  I don't feel sorry for myself and I never have...not about the MS, that is.  We all have our burdens to bear and this just happens to be one of mine. 

But for some reason today, seeing this woman in that scooter has made me feel on the verge of tears. 

I want to dance with my grandchildren....all of them!  I want to dance at their weddings.  I want to visit Bora Bora someday and be able to walk on the beach and feel the sand under my feet.  Why today is this bothering me?  I don't have the answer to that.

My prognosis is good really.  I've had MS for at least 20 years (only dx 8 yrs) and I'm doing well.  Your prognosis is based on how well you do for the first 5 years after diagnosis or the onset of the disease, whichever comes first.  I'm doing so well infact, that most of the people closest to me, I think sometimes forget I'm even "sick"  Which can be good and bad at the same time.  The disease never goes away and I have symptoms that never let up but, overall, YES, I'm doing very good. 

With that said, nobody can accurately predict the course this disease will take.  I've known this for as long as I've had MS and I accept it, I live with it, I believe I deal with it well and yet today, I'm bothered by all of it.  I actually felt sorry for the lady in the scooter but, I don't think she felt sorry for herself nor do I believe she wanted pity and I never want pity.  Understanding, yes, pity, no.

I think I'll go to the gym and try to forget for a while.  Maybe that's why I enjoy the gym so much.  Nobody there has a clue that I have MS and I like it that way.

Link to This | Back to top

DELETE ME PLEASE (2007-04-12)
I have to live with 3 ailments until the day I die, and two are quite lethal. I have been a severe bi-polar my whole life, the diabetes that put me in a coma with an 1160 blood sugar and full kidney failure that I somehow lived through, but I was blind when I woke up and couldn't speak that well, and lastly the disease of addiction that to me is the most lethal of them all. All it takes is one lapse and I am going to die and die like a worthless junkie with either a crack pipe in my hand or a rig in my arm. No I am not in the same situation for all my problems are emotional and affect everything in my life but I am not out of the woods for losing a limb, or an either set of legs. I have to ever be careful and vigilant with what I eat and how I deal with problems. I have had personal relationship problems my whole life and I know that I always will, for I cannot control my moods. I am lucky that the people that are in my life just take my swings with a grain of salt, for I am helpless to stop it. Just remember that it can always be worse, and for me I know that worse is drinking orange juice with a pile of blow in front of me. Today I drink water and smile for I am just about at 5 years 9 months clean and ahem sober.

A journey through life... (2007-04-12)
I had no idea.....I have a couple of friends who have MS....one is in a wheelchair and is pretty disabled...the other like you, is vibrant, active etc. Keep planning to dance with all of your grandkids.....a strong will can have alot of positive impact on the body I've discovered.

surrogate (2007-04-09)
A few weeks ago a friend of mine and a friend of hers with MS and I went on a day trip to Northern Lower Michigan. I was aware of the woman's illness ahead of time, but during the drive she explained the history of her illness, her initial diagnosis, her day to day existence and her prognosis in the years to come, at least as she understands it now. She, like you, is not chairbound, but tires easily, and as the day wore on, it became apparant to me how difficult it must be to live with the disease even when, thankfully, it hasn't totally taken away one's mobility. You are in my prayers and I personally promise to kick the disease in the ass very hard if and when it tries to do you much more harm. How I can do that without kicking you too, I haven't figured out, but, I'm workin' on it.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-04-09)
Doe, you are an inspiration, and so is your faith, and the way you are living your life!

[ Back to top ]

Created with ShoutPost